Knowing that I used to be one of those people with uncertain beliefs and an unwillingness to argue a point, I find it hard not to be frustrated with wishy washy people now that I’ve built up my convictions. I know, so judgemental – against who I once was, nonetheless.
For seven years I’ve had to hold my beliefs up against boy’s standard – if you can’t argue it, it’s not valid. And I don’t like debate, it stresses me out. So I justified my beliefs on what felt right. I couldn’t eat meat because it gave me nightmares which make me feel anxious and antsy so not eating meat made me feel better. I once could not say there was no god b/c I was worried about what people might think and that made me feel like I had my undies in a bunch so I just never committed to an opinion on that. But now, I just don’t care. Even attempting to be a vegan makes me feel at peace despite my colleague meat-pushers. Not believing in god reassures me. My obligation is to what is in front of me, not to whatever it is people look up toward.
Recenlty I’ve branched out into conversations with more people about these issues (because like I mentioned here, I have to tell EVERYONE about what I care about.) But I get irked with the people who haven’t yet decided if they believe in something or the people who didn’t know what they are putting into their mouth actually rots in their intestines over a period of years producing gases that escape through various orifices and I’m not talking about the flatulent variety. And people who don’t want to know, don’t care to know, don’t have the energy to know that there are parts of the world that need fixing and little people can only do so much but if we all did only so much oh the difference it would make.
And with this attitude comes the realization that I’ve disappointed people. And in turn that disappoints me. For me, these beliefs have come as naturally as waking up and brushing my teeth. Nothing special, nothing mind-blowing, just a sense of obligation to help the world, just a feeling that the person in the clouds wasn’t watching over me anymore, a hunch that the cow on my plate may have been the reason I had been constipated on and off for 15 yrs. And for the people I’ve disappointed, these new beliefs are a curious sign that maybe I won’t be the person they hoped I’d be. but I’m not sorry, not adapting to their vision means I’m stronger than the girl they had in mind.