because i don’t know how else to do it

It did happen fast at the end but I go back to the beginning, 6 years ago, and only now do I realize how fast it happened there, too.  I do think about things and I don’t know why it happened like it did and why I can react how I am.  And then I think about that one god-awful fight we had where I yelled and swung and you got mad right back but what the anger was covering was how hurt I was and you didn’t see it.  Because you didn’t tell me what I needed to hear, so I didn’t believe you and I questioned your commitment to the idea of us from that day forward.  I don’t think I’m the bad one here, but I’m not convinced of it either.  Since my birthday you started to look at me, stare at me.  I’d watch TV and look over and you’d be staring.  Doing homework, I felt you staring.  I’d be driving, and you’d stare.  And I felt like in that stare you wanted to tell me something but there was also this feeling of me never being enough for you.  I wasn’t a good girlfriend at the end, but you still challenged me.  You talked me into doing things I never thought I could do and sometimes I think that without you around I still won’t be able to do them.  I do miss you but not the you as of late.  I think I have told you “Fuck You” three times now.  Just like I don’t like people telling me I should read something, I don’t like you telling me about my mistakes.  They are my mistakes to make.  I’m not making huge decisions based on one thing.  I made those huge decisions for you already.  And I don’t regret any of them.  I feel bad, but I’m not sorry.  I feel terrible, but I can’t be sorry.  B/c if I say I’m sorry it means that I acknowledge it wasn’t time for us to end and I think it was.  I hate the way it happened and I feel awful having perhaps told you too much, but I spent a lot of energy trying to keep you from being hurt.  And it only seems to result in you getting hurt more.  I don’t mean to do that, so I’m going to post the pictures now and include him in my blog b/c he’s there and you know it so why should I hide it. 

I’m going to expose you now.  Because for so long I wanted you to put yourself out there b/c I believed in you and you never listened to me.  So now I’m going show everyone.  And now you’re going to get pissed and take it all down, but you shouldn’t.  I agree with most of the stuff you say, I just don’t have answers for you.  I wish I had answers for the both of us.  And I won’t ever tell you fuck you again.  But please respect what you see to be my mistakes and know that I could never hate a person I became so intimate with.  I don’t think I could not love that person.  And I cried b/c you remembered pouparts. 

Part of me is still hurt that those that I knew would step in are.  People of Paper’s Number One Friend…  has been waiting in the wings for a long time.

1 Comment

Filed under Life, Love

One response to “because i don’t know how else to do it

  1. Hope you are doing ok – this is a moving entry. I know it came from sorrow and sadness and maybe anger, but moving nonetheless.

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