The Best Night Ever

Jack has turned me into a fecal freak.  I came home after a week away and I tried to jump right back into our early morning run around the lake only to find something is wrong, so very wrong.  And I totally blame ex-boy for this. 

Jack has taken up this awkward sideways trot that moves him back and forth across the sidewalk that has been getting me rude glares from passersby that have no appreciation for the complete joy my puppy gets from smelling and licking every splotch of goose poop on the sidewalk.  After swerving around for a few minuets he finally pulled over to do his business and I got the bag ready only to have Jack look up at me with the saddest eyes as he turned around to show me why.  Yes, it was stuck – but not only stuck, it was hanging by a bundle of something that really shouldn’t have been passing through him.  I’ve heard the stories from other dog owners about this, so I quickly pulled the bag over my hand and reached in before anyone could see this humiliating moment for the both of us; and I pulled – only to discover there was foot of bundled thread coming out of my dog’s ass.  Jack squealed, I jumped back, the thread still hanging there, and Jack laid down on the sidewalk and looked up at me like “why?  why are you yanking this out of my ass?”  I finally got the rest as Jack sat there shaking and I was nearly in tears because I felt so bad.  So I called ex-boy who was laughing so hard that he just had to share the story with all of his colleagues.  I ended up coming to work a nervous wreck after Jack promptly fell asleep without eating after our run.  Not to mention he quivered and peed every time I went to pet him b/c lord knows what else I would pull out of his anus when he wasn’t looking…

By the time I got home he was back to normal and I was relieved.  We went out for our evening walk and he was gitty and trotting and showing off.  And then he pulled off to the side and I was probably looking at a baby goose somewhere and turned back just in time to see Jack take the most graceful nose dive of a somersault into a fresh pile of shit.  I yanked on the leash and he bounced up, and I immediately saw the glisten of the fresh brown streak from his ear down his back.  So while ex-boy tends to go on walks with Jack and tell me stories about the girls who come up to him to tell him how cute the puppy is, I get to come back with stories about how I had to warn everyone to please not touch my dog as he is covered in fresh shit. 

When I got home I swept him up with a towel and threw him in the tub only to find the poop smeared on his collar and matted in his fur.  He shook when I doused him with water and brown drops of water splattered across the white walls and all over me.  Ex-boy came in just in time to see the brown water running into the drain as he asked “what’s that smell?”  So we laughed about it while he tossed everything shit-smeared and I washed Jack.  I took him out of the tub and ex-boy cradled him in the towel while I blow-dried his new clean coat. 

I had to clean up the brown water stains in the bathroom and while doing so I looked down only to see a big brown glob on my jeans.  Jack tends to turn around and rub up against my leg on our walks to make sure I’m still there, such an endearing thing to do that ends up with me walking around with streaks of shit on my jeans.  I ended up just finishing the rest of the cleaning sans pants and a good 2 hours later I had a cuddly soft puppy, a clean apartment, and a laundry basket full of poop smeared towels and clothes. 

But it was one of the best nights I’ve had in a long time.  I got Jack because I was spending so many nights alone studying until 1-2 am without any kind of entertainment and I was convinced I was on the verge of falling into a place only pills could get me out of.  But since I got Jack, I’ve smiled more than I probably did throughout my years in high school and college.  And the fact that he acted like the torture of a bath and getting blow-dried was completely worth the enjoyment of rolling around in shit, it makes me think it was almost worth it for me too.


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