I love St. Nicholas day. Sometimes it’s really tough to get into the holiday spirit, so I always just save it for St. Nicholas day when ex-boy and I have the first gift exchange for the season. Past presents include cases of Jones soda, I think I got a book last year, yoga stuff, and that one Dean Koontz book that I got so so excited about, b/c dammit it was a good gift.
Right after the split, ex-boy and I promised to spend Christmas together no matter who we were dating or where we were. Because after 6 years it would be strange to have Christmas without having to sneak out of bed in the middle of the night to fill his stocking so I could push him out of bed in the morning and roll him into the living room to say “see?! see?! Someone did come in the middle of the night!” I love Jack, but I don’t think he would humor me as much as ex-boy does on that one…
But last night for the St. Nicholas day gift exchange, I realized I was nervous about the whole holiday season. I don’t know what to write in cards. I don’t know how much is too much for the presents. I don’t know where we stand but asking may tip the balance in a negative way so I have been tippy toeing around it and shrugging my shoulders at people when they ask me.
So I stuck with the generic toy gift and got him the Airzooka, which I had intended to get him several years back but always seemed to forget. And he got me a follow-up to a gift from years before – another of Margaret Atwood’s children’s books Rude Ramsey and the Roaring Radishes. And it sent me into a panic.
For my 24th birthday he got me Atwood’s Bashful Bob and Doleful Dorinda. I sat there in my new PJ’s, another gift, and read the book out loud over and over and I loved it. (b/c as a kid I wanted to be children’s book author… really bad. I don’t write anymore, but I still love children’s books, read aloud. And Atwood’s books are meant to be read aloud.) I faced the book out on my shelf, picked it up and thumbed through it every now and then. And a year later we split.
And I haven’t seen the book since. In my 3 moves since then, I can’t find the book or recall seeing it. And ex-boy kept asking me over and over last night if I want to sit and read the book to Jack and I absolutely could not because I was in tears and desperately looking through boxes for the first book. I felt like this would serve as proof to ex-boy that I valued nothing of the years earlier and had complete disrespect for books. I don’t know which would be worse, not respecting books or killing his mother. So I scrounged around and had a tearful fit, and forget about studying for that biology final next week, because I lost a book I love and now all is lost.
I don’t know where the book is. I think it may have been distributed to his bookshelf in the split along with Abarat which I will point out that I read and loved and he didn’t, not to mention Happiness, mine…
And I’m trying to convince myself that all is not lost. It’s just one book of the many he has given me. But people have tried to get me to read their books and I hate it and he gives me books based on me, not based on his likes and that means he listens. So yeah, I’m being a little dramatic about it. But it’s an important book.