False Ideals

One year ago, I just wanted those last 10 lbs off.  They creeped on when I moved to California and hung around for 3 years.  They finally melted off this past summer up through end of September when ex-boy saw my back and said “yeah, that’s kinda gross, I can see your spine.  You might want to watch that.”  So it’s creeping back on, but I’m no longer at my ideal.  And it’s hard to separate the numbers on a scale from a healthy looking body.  And that’s the thing about imaginary ideals, they never end in happiness.

I don’t like resolutions and usually tell everyone that I do not make them.  Then I fall asleep to all the promises I make to myself floating above my pillow always slightly out of reach but never sharing them with anyone.  But here’s the one thing I want to drop completely – false ideals.  I get stuck on ideals and forget to live.  I’d watch my colleagues shine in doing what they do and then get the mic handed to me and knowing that I achieved an ideal weight wasn’t going to find my lost notes in the middle of a presentation.  Fretting to the point of exhaustion over broken relationships, a new abode, and a cell bio mid term still got me an awesome grade and probably 2.6 yrs off the end of my life.  (don’t worry, I put those years back on by decorating gingerbread train for Jesus last night.  oh, and I floss daily.)  But chasing ideals isn’t worth it to me.  I still want to help women through practicing medicine, I will want to impress my colleagues by some how learning scripting overnight and optimizing our web site because no one else wants to do it, and I still want a house with a lemon tree and a garden, and Jack, and a library with a big chair, but I’m not going to beat myself up over it if I don’t have it done tomorrow.

and I say this now.  but check back day after Christmas when my Cell Bio final is due and see if I didn’t pull an all-nighter with Santa on Christmas eve….

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