Far enough away

The night I met ex-boy, we didn’t exchange a word the entire night.  When the evening was over, I remember telling my sister in the parking lot “I want to end up with someone like him.”  And that sealed the deal.  Once we did start dating and everyone got past the age disparity of a 19 yr. girl with a 30 yr. man, I didn’t want to let him go.  We kept our relationship between the two of us and shrugged our shoulders and exchanged knowing looks when people asked us about marriage and commitment.  

So I hadn’t dated anyone or kissed any other boy prior to him and I liked it that way.  And then August happened.  And it wasn’t so much August but months leading up to it where I started questioning myself.  It wasn’t just my relationship.  It started with beliefs, diet, career, motivations, and looking back it seems logical that questioning the relationship came next.  And the answers were atheist, vegan, doctor, obligation to society, and curiosity.  I never battled the urge to date anyone else until I asked myself why. 

I could have honestly believed the person in the wings ready to satisfy my curiousity was worth breaking off 6 years for or it could have been 2 people just using eachother to get past something painful.  It doesn’t matter because it was wrong either way.  Ex-boy hit his stages of grief first and what I thought I knew about him was thrown off it’s axis.  Then after things turned into nothing more than a piss fight between me and the new boy, what I thought I knew about myself was thrown off axis.  I hit the grief stage just as ex-boy was exiting his and I felt like I was drowning. 

And ex-boy was the one to call me out on it.  So it seems like the last 2 months have been recovery from the fall.  Ex-boy and I don’t really talk about what happened, it comes out in small chunks of what I feel comfortable volunteering, or what he can be sarcastic with me about without me getting that nailgun to the chest feeling.  I get paranoid over being perceived as the bitch in the situation and seeing the people that were once “our” friends and are now just “his” friends has me wanting to hang my head and leave the room.  Finally one of our friends greeted me with a hug, and it nearly made me cry b/c finally, after what seemed a long while without anyone talking to me, someone was talking to me again.

So now he just says it makes him sad.  He’s not mad, just sad.  But I’m still mad.  I can’t shake off feeling ashamed for how I went about it and not knowing where to go from here.  I know I resolved not to be so hard on myself and creating false ideals to live up to, but this seems different.  I’m stuck at mad. 

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