my milestones

It seems like everyone around me is talking about the milestones their children have met or not met.  After ex-boy and I split, I had milestones of my own.  I had to make them short-term because I needed to assure myself that I could bounce back quickly – Thanksgiving (survive family and work without lingering on personal issues), Christmas (survive the awkwardness of spending it with your ex), Macworld (the most stressful time of year for work on top of trying to put closure on personal issues).  And I had convinced myself that once these were done, it would all be smooth sailing.  And I just passed the last one I set for myself.  And nothing seems to be clearer or have gotten any easier.  If anything, things are more confusing than ever.
I’ve always had a plan and a goal.  And a back up plan.  And a way out of a situation that allowed me to control my surroundings.  But for the next few months I don’t have a plan, a goal, or any idea of where I hope to end up.

And someone please get me a xanax so I don’t have to walk, hike, or run anymore as a way to ward off the anxiety because my legs are about to fall off and my hamstrings about to snap and Jack now hides and tinkles when I pull out the harness and leash as if to say “momma, I know you have to run so you don’t snap, but really, I’ll be okay if you want to just leave me in bed.”

In short, I failed to reach my milestones.

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1 Comment

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One response to “my milestones

  1. drizitche

    I might be out of line to say this, (I just joined wordpress like, hours ago and I’m all excitable and whatnot at the moment), but after stumbling across your blog it struck me odd that there are entire disciplines of eastern thinking that hold your current situation of having no goals as one of supreme value.

    I used to grind out the pain with sweat and training too, so I can kind of relate. And I can tell you it’s going to be okay. The only times I’ve ever stumbled across anything I really valued was during the times I let go of the reins and the water took me for a ride where the current willed.

    There’s a great line from the movie King Arthur, the new-ish one with Clive Owen, that goes, “No man fears to kneel before a god he trusts.” I think the same applies here. If you can trust in life to lead you to, at the very least, interesting places; then you can probably relax about it all, knowing that even if it leads you to negative things, at least you won’t be bored.

    You may have failed to reach your milestones, but you’re certainly not alone. Best of luck with it all.

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