the obvious

My family and friends know that I have an anxiety issue.  To the rest, it seems to me like it’s obvious.  I can be pretty high strung in a way that screams control freak.  It kind of sucks and I don’t talk about it much, because anxiety is so main stream these days, it’s nothing new.  It started in college with panic attacks that led to a 1 week rowing hiatus and a few missed classes as I took some meds to try and catch up with some stability. I stayed on the pills for over a year and tried to come off at least 2 times prior to succeeding because the panic attacks came back literally a few days off.  They faded a bit before my senior year.  I had two memorable panic attacks that year, one over my dad being in the hospital and one after a car crash, and then they went away.  For a few years I had no signs of them returning.  Ex-boy and I lived together a year in P’cola then moved to Cali.  Two years living in Cali and we decided to split and I got an apartment in the city.  A few months later, after it registered that I wasn’t going to have the life with ex-boy I had built up in my mind, and with my job proving more challenging than I expected, I got my first speeding ticket while driving to look at a new apartment because I wasn’t happy where I was living.  By the time I got over to ex-boy’s I broke down into my first panic after several years in the safe.  And here’s the sad part, I hate crying during the week because I don’t have a pretty cry.  A few tears no matter the time of day and I fall asleep only to wake up the next morning with puffy eyes that take over 24 hrs to go away and my first thought is always the dread of going to work after a good cry.  I took a personal day and made some doctor’s appointments and got some xanax.  One bottle of xanax lasted a whole year.  I held off taking it for the most part because I am very anti-meds, especially over-prescribed ones (the doctor actually said “don’t be shy about taking these.  I prescribe 4 a day to my mother-in-law.”)  I never went back to that doctor for more.  Then the fall happened.  And I really needed them that night ex-boy and I spent 3 hours sitting on the steps outside my apartment discussing the reasons I wanted to break up and I cried the whole time into the night and into the next morning and couldn’t get a personal day the next day.  (I wasn’t able to justify a break up as an emergency, didn’t seem right.)  Then in October I (we, whatever someone might take that personally, who knows) broke it off with the other boy and it was like a trigger of small panic attacks that freaked me out leading into mid-terms.  The week following mid-terms I moved out of my apartment (on a day where my car battery died, trunk latch broke and I had to do a 50 mile drive to get Jack) and adopted Jack and up through Thanksgiving I focused on not letting anxiety surface.  I had a few panic moments before going home for Thanksgiving and it has been gradually getting better.  But it’s so slippery and frustrating and I get irked with myself way too much.  Today was the first time in a while I felt good about the work I do and positive about my decision to do pre-med despite the fact I am struggling to stay out of debt and am relying on a $50 Safeway gift-card from Christmas to last me the whole month for groceries.  And then it slipped away from me this evening into a panic of not doing a good enough job and never being able to do med school if I can’t get a grip on the anxiety(and that right there is my biggest medical school fear).  I hate ego, but sometimes I wish I had the ego of that guy who won’t talk to me b/c he’s convinced he’s leading me on if he does.  Yeah, dude, get over yourself.  Because for real, you want me.  Yeah, just trying that out…

Jack’s chasing his tail frantically.  That helps.

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