it will never be for lack of trying

Last night was not good.  At all.  It was one of those nights that caused an emotional hangover all day and made me walk into work really fast and hide in my cube because of that issue where I cry 2 tears and my eyes swell up big and puffy and where I had to miss class because I couldn’t get it together in time to go to class without possible stares as to why I looked like I took a high-pressured hose to my face.   This is what it means to have “the emotional fortitude of cottage cheese.”

Ex-boy and I have been really good.  And we can even talk about living together again.  Except we know that may not be within the next few months.  I made a promise to myself not to live with another boy until I’m engaged.  I made that promise to avoid ever moving in with a guy before knowing if I loved him.  Ex-boy admitted to me a few years back that when we moved to California together he wasn’t sure if he loved me.  Granted, I had a bit of a break down when we first arrived here and struggled with depression and seriously low esteem for about a year, but I couldn’t understand why we were living together when he wasn’t sure if he loved me.  I just don’t want that again.  Obviously we’re not engaged.  But we speak more freely about it, mainly me saying how I wouldn’t run out and shout it across the country if we were engaged, because it’s definitely something I would sit on for a while, just between us, to make sure it felt right before announcing.  It’s not something I feel the need to congratulate other people on like it’s a milestone in life you’re hitting, so I wouldn’t expect the same.  But that’s a rant on a different issue.

Then there’s the second issue that hides in the shadow and prevents us from moving forward.  I talk to him about what I was feeling when I emotionally cheated on him and what I was feeling when I was with that other guy.  Whatever is left of the issue is mainly me trying to build up my esteem from what happened.  Ex-boy left this long letter in my apartment when the whole thing went down and in it he wrote something along the lines of when I realize what’s going on don’t be too hard on myself because I have a tendency to hold myself up to standards I would never apply to anyone else.  It’s exactly what I ended up doing and I am still struggling with the slap I gave my self-esteem.  So when someone at work came up to me the other day and told me about the colleague that’s been crushing on me for a while now, I ended up writing ex-boy an e-mail about how nice it is to be liked by someone I’m not canoodling.

So I send ex-boy an e-mail about how it’s hard to believe anyone I’m not fooling around with likes me and add to it the fact that ex-boy found the pics from last fall of me and the other guy that I never deleted along with keeping a web site I have no need to keep up with in my reader and there you have last night.  There’s me struggling with my self-esteem and ex-boy struggling with the trust that I won’t jump at the next guy that shows interest and in between, somewhere, we’re trying to move forward with a healthy relationship.

One of my favorite things about my relationship with ex-boy is that throughout our 7 years he has given me space to be quiet with my thoughts and not pester me about what I’m thinking.  If he sees weeks go by and I’m still stuck in my head, he pulls me out, but he always gives me time.  Now that time I take to myself has him filled with suspicion that my emotions are elsewhere because for a while they were.  But they’re not elsewhere.  My world is pretty darn selfish at the moment.  Just me trying to put some self-control back on the sugar-addiction before I add body-image issues to my list of things to work on, my puppy that has me concerned over his seasonal allergies, and figuring out when the right time is to move forward with this relationship.  In any case, if me and ex-boy don’t make it, no one can ever say it’s because neither of us tried.

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