Performance in the absence of commitment

I just cleaned my dishes and found moldy yuckiness that used to be hummus and lentils sitting in the sink.  I have clothes strewn all over my living room and I just dined on a bag of candied ginger.  Monday this week I received an umpteenth phone call from my mom asking “is something wrong?  are you mad at me?” and an e-mail from my best friend “are you hiding?”  I expect one from my grandfather soon, who I briefly got in the habit of talking to every Sunday and ashamedly let the routine slide.  And tonight I found a neglected medical bill from September of last year and did I mention I recently had 5 parking tickets out on my car at once?  5?!  Those of you who know me know that this is not me at all.  I’ve been emotionally absent from most things going on in my life and I should know myself well enough that the instant detachment from life is a sign of high stress and very bad things to come.

I got called out yesterday by my boss when she asked, “what capacity of work load are you at?”  And I gave her a blank stare.  She then asked “are you able to take on anything else?” And I laughed and shook my head.  She asked me what projects I need to drop in order to get things done and I told her and she let me drop them.  This was followed by a very brief but firm reminder that when this happens I need to let people know.  I was really embarrassed, but the truth is that I had no idea I was taking on too much.  I’ve been working on a project for months now that is about to launch and seeing the full picture has peaked my interest in the potential for other projects.  So while I’m trying to do basic admin stuff all I can think about is Trapani’s Upgrade Your Life that I was reading on the BART train and how this stuff should really be taught to anyone entering a new job b/c all my project files and inbox folders are shot to shit from bad methods of organizing when I started 2 1/2 years ago and really, why haven’t we signed Merlin Mann?  Why hasn’t anyone signed Merlin Mann, b/c there’s a market for him.  And oh look, right when I call him the “Dooce” of Mac fan-boys, she goes and blogs about how great his twitter stream is and this is how my day rolls away from those basic admin duties into the world of endless marketing possibilities and there’s so much to pursue.  Which I guess is a good thing, in a way.

But I worry I’m adopting an ADHD work ethic.  And I think it’s because I can’t commit.  While I’m enjoying work, I can’t commit to one aspect of it.  I dabble in stuff but I don’t usually delve into opportunities fully and see them through to the end.  It’s no secret that I want to go to medical school, 15 credits into the pre-med post Bach program and I have yet to formally enroll.  Because while everyone else is convinced I’ll be able to do it, until I can convince myself that I can go for it and won’t fail at it, I am unable to commit.  Maybe it’s a flaw in how I equate passion with success.  Passion should allow for failure.  And it’s times like this I want to quit everything, pack up my stuff, put Jack in the car, and move back home to Louisiana and enroll full time so I can focus.  Louisiana has to be the best place for me to focus because every time I go all I can think about is how do I get out, and if that means going back and leaving only upon entry into a medical school, chances are I’d wrap the prerequisites up in record time. 

Although as tempting as it is to run away, this is only half of my life.  The other half spent last night searching for coyotes at dusk with ex-boy and Jack.  And when 2 coyotes snuck up behind us on the trail just as we had given up because all light was gone and I could barely see Jack prancing in their direction, off leash, all of the above worries slipped from my mind and some from my bladder because I was so scared I very well could have peed in my pants and not even known it.  I froze, Jack froze, ex-boy froze.  In fear of Jack thinking I was playing chase, I didn’t move toward him to grab him, we all just stood staring at one another.  And when the coyotes walked off I screamed at Jack with a tone ex-boy couldn’t identify and hesitated to say it contained slight quiver but there was fear.  And it was awesome.


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Filed under Dog, Job, Life

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