or a lot. so I took a blogging hiatus. and then freaked out some more.
I ‘ve been doing a lot lately between work and school and did I mention I get up to run a dog at 6 am every morning and if i don’t do it I have guilt issues? (Especially when people see him at the dog park and comment, “now that’s a dog that needs to run.”) So when I returned from New York where I did a good 5 hours of bio on the plane, got about 3 hours sleep, then headed to lab where I got a really bad grade returned to me – I cracked. And while I never in my 4 years as an undergrad cried to a professor, I stood in front of my professor and lab group and the tears wouldn’t stop, for like a week.
I had been hinting to boy for a few weeks prior to my breaking point moment that I need to go back on meds. And not the omigod I feel a freak out coming on but the day to day variety that ease the amount of mood changes that take me from one hour to the next and leave me physically exhausted from the self-doubt battle going on in my head. It’s not something he understands or accepts, but it’s something I’ve learned to recognize since my therapy years during college. I’ve heard that giving a disgruntled employee a raise only eases the misery of the job for 3 months. Well, getting the girl on the cusp of a breakdown a dog only delayed the need for something mightier than a constant companion and exercise by about 6 months.
And this is what boy said: in moments where he sees me getting anxious about something, he thinks there’s still a possibility I will turn around and run. And it’s true. And for every blog post I have there is a private one hidden between that one and the last. And I flipped to my blog while he stood over me and maybe he saw it and maybe he didn’t. Something about when everything is seemingly perfect, why do I want to run. But this time, I don’t want to run. (and omigod I am watching The Office as I write this and I just said out loud “Jiiim!” so sweet. is he single in real life? whoops, I mean..) I don’t want to run.
The day of my last final we leave for Hawaii. We have been wanting to go to Hawaii since we moved to California. And when I saw that swimsuit I told him I would only buy it if I had a place to wear it, so the size small bikini is hanging in my bathroom as a reminder that I need to lay off the cookies and that if I am going to run anywhere, it is going to be Hawaii with boy.