a bad moment for food

My dream last night involved me needing a double mastectomy and my ovaries removed.  So I went about it by removing one ovary with one breast at a time.  I made it through the first operation and looked down at my stitched up chest with no nipple and started mourning my breast more than the missing ovary.  I know, totally weird.

So what does this have to do with anything?  I don’t know.  But here’s what I think it may be somehow related to, in a convoluted way that just shows how messed up I am.

I have been completely off routine the past 2 weeks.  Between birthdays, holidays, and a broken fridge I have been at boy’s for 2 weeks straight, not running a whole lot, not eating great, not doing a lot of homework (not good).  My diet is the worst.  I have been eating a lot of sugar and over-eating at meals and feeling really crummy afterward.  And then tonight, I had escargot.  yup, that’s right.  Boy and I have discussed my past love of weird foods – (I’m talking frog legs, pastrami, canned vienna sausages – yeah, I used to LOVE that stuff) – I thought I was over those days.  But apparently not.  I like escargot, really, I do.  But what upsets me most is that I had no qualms about eating it.  Nothing.  Not a stir.  And I’m having issues this evening about losing my convictions.  I used to feel passionately about eating well and responsibly.  Where’d that go?

So what does this have to do with losing a breast and ovary in my dream? (why yes I did wake up and grab my boobs first thing in the morning and was quite relieved.)  I have been eating crappy, I feel crappy about myself, wether it’s true or not I feel like I am putting on weight, so I feel like I look like ass, and in my contorted reality, feeling feminine involves being lean.  So if I feel like I look like ass, I feel like I am losing my femininity, hence losing my boobs and ovaries.

Hopefully next week will be quiet.  And boy is leaving to geek it out at comic con.  Just me and Jack and a whole lot of studying to catch up on.  I look forward to becoming a creature of routine once again.  And rejuvenating my energy level by being alone.  BlogHer hasn’t even started and I’m already drained by the amount socialization required for my job.

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