I’ve been incredibly sad all week. I’ve been trying to hide it, but screw it. I’m sad. No reason in particular, several little reasons.
A few months ago someone was mugged and beaten on the doorstep of my apartment building. I received a note on my door that the tenants were chipping in to buy the victim a gift card while she recovered. And that was it. No information about what time of day it was or police involvement or how bad of shape she was in. So I haven’t really been staying at my apartment because when I do I feel trapped inside. My friend told me she thought I was brave for moving to Oakland and I do regret moving here. I don’t know what I was thinking. Actually, I do know what I was thinking when I moved here. And if I were of rational mind at the time, I would have exercised my right to cancel the lease within the first 30 days.
So most of this summer i’ve been establishing the gourmet ghetto side of Berkeley as my neighborhood and a well worn corner of boy’s couch has been my stoop. Tonight I am back home. I threw out tons of dead and aphid-ruined plants last night and struggled to sleep in a place that doesn’t feel like home. I nest. I cannot nest here and that is driving me nuts.
Also, when I am sad I don’t like to be alone, but I also hate talking on the phone. I’ve been hassling boy to hang out every night together which isn’t a great idea because I know very well how unpleasant I am. But I don’t want to sit in a room alone. I am 2 seconds away from e-mailing random people I haven’t hit up with random e-mails in a while. And if I weren’t so insecure at the moment I just might. But you know that fear of having someone ask “so, why are you emailing me?” Yeah, that’s why I’m not. So sorry to that long lost high school acquaintance and that person I like to play random e-mail tag, you’re it with. Not today.
I want a pen pal. Like a snail mail pen pal. I like writing letters, it’s a fading art. I hear prisoners make great pen pals 🙂
I miss the east coast. I haven’t told boy this because I don’t think he’s ready to consider moving, but I miss it more than I ever thought I would. My last visit reinforced that I have a support network there that I don’t have here. Everyone within a day’s drive and there’s at least one person from every stage of my life. I am considering a mid-winter visit to remind myself why I chose to move. But at the moment, I wish I were on the other side of the country.
I really love beauty in crude things. I finally got back into Love in the Time of Cholera and I am enamoured with the writing. This, by far, is one of the best lines I have ever read:
But first he enjoyed the immediate pleasure of smelling a secret garden in his urine that had been purified by lukewarm asparagus.
Isn’t that awesome? It has scent, touch, emotion combined with urinating and food.
Have you seen the move Talk to Her? There is this segment where someone is telling a story and the story is being played out like a silent movie. In it he talks about a man shrinking down in size much to the chagrin of his lover. He decides to still try and find a way to please her, so he walks up to her vagina which is portrayed on screen like this huge moss-covered box. He sticks his hand in and it comes out with this slime all over it, but he’s absolutely intoxicated by it, so he walks inside. I know, this is disgusting, which is what I thought too when I saw it in a theatre in Paris at the age of 20. But thinking about it, this man is so in love with this woman that he wants to live inside of her just to satisfy her all day long. It’s kind of beautiful. (it’s also a good movie that has much more to the plot than what I put here.)
I think crude beauty is also why Secretaryis my favorite move. There are a few scenes toward the end, when the Lizzie West song is playing, that bring tears to my eyes. And this is silly, but if you go to YouTube and search “Lizze West, Chariots Rise” there’s a great clip of Secretary. But in fear of people judging my movie tastes and perhaps me personally off this clip, I will instead share the song via a Harry Potter clip. Enjoy.