Category Archives: Life

for the sake of not disappearing altogether

Needless to say, it has been busy.  And this is a quickie.

Consumer free Christmas? Well, not by choice.  I haven’t bought or given a single gift yet.  And I have no plans on cramming in last minute shopping.  When the idea of shopping stresses me out, why would I go do it?  Totally planning on hitting up colleagues and family with Happy 2009! gifts 🙂

Or make that no Christmas? Gasp! Never! However, I’ve had the same question from several people – do boy and I celebrate Christmas since we’re atheist?  Are you KIDDING me?! OF COURSE!  Silly geeses.  What do we celebrate?  Each other.  Family.  Our good fortune.  And oddly enough, our favorite television show is Eli Stone.  We’ve been following this one from the start (and too soon end) and it centers around a Christian man who believes he’s God’s prophet.  We ENJOY the show, the very Christian show, that America has decided to cancel.

Dog is still freak. Why? because last Friday, after finding a sugar ant invasion in our new apartment after the first hard rain, I suffocated drowned a trail of ants across the hallway with a giant puddle of Raid ant killer.  I was proud of myself, too.  I hate hate hate bugs which is why boy usually handles bug situations before I get a chance to even see them, hence the drowning.  I was making a little swimming pool of Raid in the kitchen when I heard a tongue lapping in the hallway.   Jack found the puddle, and the little guy has such an oral fixation he has to put his tongue on everything!  And he doesn’t just lick, he goes to town savouring things such as poop, garbage, and apparently Raid.  I had a fit that sent Jack into an all-day pouty mood and called the ASPCA poison control to go over the ingredients and how Jack might react (and let me tell you, unlike the human poison control center, the ASPCA poison control center is not free.  $60 per consultation which is unfortunate in case someone chooses NOT to pay the fee and take the risk of waiting it out…)  Jack was fine, but I spent a whole day wondering if he was lethargic or just pouting because I used my mean voice at him.  And the advice from poison control?  Give him a treat so he can get the bad taste out of his mouth otherwise he’ll drool and foam at the mouth because he can’t spit.  Dear Jack, if it tastes bad, maybe you should have your tongue all over it!!!

and lastly.  I haven’t slept since Saturday night.  Last night I pulled my first all-nighter since those good ‘ole college days to get through my last final this evening.  I have a lot to say about this semester, but I’m not sure I’m ready to say.  Some of it is humiliating but most of it is frustrating.  Lessons learned – I will not be taking two 4 credit classes alongside working full time, and I will not beat myself up to the point of paralyzing anxiety over not understanding completely new and unfamiliar material.  Unfortunately, I’ve earned a few scars physically, emotionally, and on my transcript.  Nothing that can’t be undone, but it will require 2-3 times the effort and a complete fear of physics.

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this little life of mine.

new-aptmnt-038This is where I wake up.  The morning light is awesome.  I slip out of bed, tuck my feet into a pair of pale green flower embroidered slippers I got from chinatown years ago, and tiptoe into the kitchen for a warm cup of tea.

All the while I’m being watched.  Something happened to Jack when we moved into the new apartment.  Maybe he knew boy and I were making things work, maybe he was just happy not to be shuffled back and forth between two apartments, maybe he’s just finally out of his punk adolescent stage, but


he’s cuddlier.  Happier.  Snugly.  And Sunday mornings are his snuggle indulgence.  The only time of the week when he is allowed to crawl up in between boy and me in bed and be smushed in between a tangle of blankets.

Weekday schedules are hectic with class, so Tuesday is the one evening a week devoted to cooking a meal and eating together.  Other evenings during the week are spent me leaning against the fridge eating saltines and butter and boy mixing nuts from one bag with chocolate chips from another into the palm of his hand before dumping the mix into his mouth while we rush through conversation about how are days have been.  I worried when we first moved here.  Boy and I talk and talk and talk.  I thought the apartment would be too big for us to carry on across room conversations, but we still manage…



This corner of the dining area is coveted.  We live on a busy corner and the front of our apartment is open to the world in odd angles along the street – this is the perfect place to sit and watch.  In the evenings with the lights on, curtains open, and the rush hour traffic outside, it’s hard to ignore the fact that half of our life is open for viewing.  At some point in time, strangers have seen us hugging, dancing, or me picking my nose…

Hardwood floors are new for Jack.  The layout of the apartment allows him to run laps from the living room to the hallway, through the kitchen, into the dining area and then into the living room to the hallway…  If we get him wired enough, he chases us in circles.  If he hears us flip direction when he’s not looking, he does the same.  He scampers in place for a good minute trying to turn around and keep his feet under him and the pawing, clawing, scraping is hysterical.  Henew-aptmnt-080 has flipped backwards and slammed down on his side far too many times only to bounce up and play it off.  Around bed time, he slides off the couch and has been caught letting his back feet sliiiiiiiiiide along the floor as he pulls himself forward in a long stretch.

And finally, I may complain about being stuck in a closet studying, but when we first saw this apartment boy noticed a curious door off the living room with 2 deadbolts on it.  The landlord saw us looking and pointed out that the previous owner had an expensive violin that he locked away in this closet.  Inside is a storage shelf, a window, and built-in desk.  When I stepped in first I shouted immediately “This is mine!”  It’s my study space.  I can lock out boy and Jack  and focus.  It’s my space, not shared space, but my space.  And while I thought we were getting a 2 bedroom apartment to ensure we have enough space to breath while we start this new phase in our relationship, all I really need is this

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coming to terms

I’ll never be that optimistic girl you knew from high school.  And of all my faulty weaknesses, I think this is the one I may never come to terms with.  I even asked boy if he could ever see me that way, the optimist, the smile that walks into the room, the ball of energy that breaks the quotidian.  His response – “well, you’ll never be mistaken for that person.”  But maybe I want to be mistaken for that person.

Some day I want to write a book.  Does everyone have that dream?  I like to think that everyone does.

Maybe we’ll have a holiday party.  An upbeat party where I can finally wear that black dress I love so much with the black slipper flats.  But what if people don’t come?

I want to be a die hard fan of something.  Sports, literature, Twilight…  But I haven’t found what I want to be a fan of yet.

I love the word quotidian.  It sounds like it should be boring when it’s anything but.

I bought nail polish because the name was seasonal – plum pudding.  It screamed “wear me during Thanksgiving dinner and everything will taste that much sweeter!”  And now that dinner is over, I feel like a whore.

I have a closet turned study room.  It has a window and a desk.  My thinking space.  It’s meant to keep all distractions away, including Jack and Jack’s tongue which he can’t seem to keep in his mouth.  He licks air.  I think I may be getting a bit lonely sitting here in my thinking closet…


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I Heart Turkeys

I don’t keep my adoration of wild turkeys a secret.  I love them!  They’re awesome!  And I love hiking and hearing the gobble gobble gobble of a gaggle of turkeys behind a thicket.  So of course I can’t eat them on T-day.  Not for lack of liking the meat, I love cooked turkey, smells AND tastes delicious.  But I just can’t do it.  (Not to mention that Palin video… Good grief woman!)  So boy and I settled for a vegan shepherd’s pie with kidney beans and chickpeas.  What really made it yummy?  Ground walnuts.  Here are some pics:

Lastly, because this is the season as the commercials would indicate, I bought a fitness DVD!  Why?  Because after the move I realized my knees can’t take much more running before falling off, so I better find an alternative in order to cut back and save my tendons.  And here I was griping about fitness DVD’s because they are for lazy people that don’t want to step outside and it’s going to be so low intensity… Right.  Here’s what I bought:


And about 25 to 30 minutes in, I turned to boy and huffed out “oh lord I think I’m going to throw up…”  There were cardio moves I was so lost during and I skipped side to side in our new apartment creaking the hard wood floors flailing my arms wondering who in their right mind could follow this stuff!  It’s a mix between light cardio and light sculpting moves but it’s back to back to back with increasing intensity and I was following the non-toned girl they put in the mix for the beginners.  It’s good for me because all I do is run and my body is so used to running that I can go on and on just running.  But can I touch my toes?  Not with out my hamstrings screaming because they’re so tight from running.  Can I lift a heavy box?  Not quite because my arms get no workout aside from swinging back and forth on a run.  It’s challenging.  And after doing it again tonight I want to go out and get more.  And a leotard and leg warmers and an aerobic step (but really, I close the curtains and make sure boy is so enthralled in playing Left 4 Dead so I don’t have to worry about anyone seeing me marching in place, knees up, and swing it out, and did she say right or left?  wait, what the hell are we doing?)

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lessons from the past week

  • how I feel after I take an exam is not a good indicator of how I performed on the exam.
  • contact paper, that stuff used to line kitchen cabinets and drawers, is meant to frustrate the crap out of people like me.  I spent my Saturday night measuring, cutting, sticking, peeling, unpeeling – because I couldn’t possibly let my utensils and dishes touch the bottom of a cabinet or drawer that I have yet to use.  icky.
  • regurgitation and vomiting are actually 2 different things.  Also, nothing can get me more emotionally frazzled than Jack.  Ever since moving into the new apartment Jack has been experiencing what appears to be acid reflux.  When he did a spontaneous regurgitation that seemed to surprise even him, I flipped out and called the humane society vet.  I have never liked this vet, so I got a referral to a pet hospital.  I left work to rush him over there where I was comforted so much by the professional staff.  They have doctors that specialize in neurology, radiation, acupuncture, seizures, surgery… Jack warmed up to them right away.  After finding a heart murmur (on the first visit, he’s been to the humane society at least 3 or 4 times the past year and NO ONE has ever said anything about a murmur) Jack is being monitored for one more week before we decide on whether or not to get a chest x-ray.  Worst case, pneumonia could develop if he inhales while regurgitating.  Best case, he is super sensitive to his mom’s moods and with a move and midterms, I haven’t been the most relaxed person.
  • lastly, apparently I’m not too good at sharing things.  Did I mention boy and I have moved in together after 3 years in separate places?  yup.  we did.  Why did I forget to mention this?  Probably because I’ve been super defensive and protective of what the last year has been like for us.  For good reason.  But what it amounts to is a lot of hard work put back into a relationship that’s worth having and keeping.  And this one’s for keeps.


Filed under Life, Love

peter le feu

It’s what I realized today.  That experiencing passion and sharing passion is sometimes difficult.  Remember my rant about how ferns are awesome (they have flagellated sperm!)?  Did you know some people could care less about this?  No, really.  Some people don’t care. I know, I don’t get it either.

Today I finally made the connection as to why I don’t tell certain people certain things.  Have you have been really excited about something and down played it for someone because you thought they wouldn’t understand?  I’m an atheist.  And I remember when I made the decision to be atheist.  I felt liberated.  Free to move about.  Able to experience this world fully without wondering what’s next.  I was really excited by my decision. But I couldn’t share it with my best friend and I still haven’t.  I don’t know if she feels passionately about her religion or if it’s something she wants to feel strongly about.  For her, religion is familial, tradition, culture.  For me, it felt like a weight.  So why would I ever volunteer this in conversation?

But then there are moments, often surprises, when I’m talking with someone, and I very lightly throw in something, like being a pre-med student.  And they catch it and take a curiosity to it.  And as I explain how I came to this and why I came to this it becomes easier to let it go and it feels good.  And suddenly I appreciate the person I am talking to so much more because having a passion acknowledged by someone feels good.

And I hope I can pass it on.  Recognize what other people feel passionately about without letting it slip away in a conversation.

And yes, peter le feu, it means exactly that.  Farting fire.  But in a good way.


Filed under Life

this bothers me

I saw this tidbit in Yahoo news today:

CAPE CANAVERAL, Fla. – A refrigerator-sized piece of space junk fell harmlessly into the South Pacific Sunday night, according to NASA.

The junk was a tank full of ammonia coolant on the international space station that was no longer needed. Astronaut Clayton Anderson threw it overboard during a spacewalk in July 2007.

Space station program manager Mike Suffredini said Monday that the debris splashed down somewhere between Australia and New Zealand Sunday night. The tank had served as a reserve supply of spare coolant at the space station since 2001.

This bothers me.  Mainly because the person who threw it overboard is identified, right there.  But this is not inappropriate behavior by any means because we have been littering space since exploration began.

And I caught the end of a National Geographic special about the rover on Mars.  The rover will probably never be retrieved from the surface.  It has no off switch and will run until it runs no more.

I know there are undeniable benefits to space exploration.  But this just doesn’t seem right.  We all know it’s wrong, but do the benefits really outweight the consequences?

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